The Work of Fathers

Today is Father’s Day in the U.S. and I would like to share some of my thoughts on being a father and now a grandfather. I have been a father for 43 years and a grandfather for 17 years. A lot has changed since I became a father in the mid 70’s. Those where the days of the Walkman, 8-track tapes, and VCRs. To play video games you had to go to the Arcade where they had Pong, Pac Man, and Space Invaders. There was no Internet, cell phones, or personal computers. Apple was only a fruit and long distance calls cost a lot of money. My children had it good compared to what we had as children. We had to listen to music on records, to see a movie we had to go to a movie theater, we had one of the first TVs and it was only black and white, and even though the microwave oven was invented in 1946 we never had one. Each generation wants their children to have a better life than they had when they were growing up. 

Our children invented most of their games, playing outside in the field and trees behind our yard. We played board games like Risk, Monopoly, Chutes and Ladders, and Life. They used their imaginations to invent places and people they would be. Today my grandchildren play many of the same games but they are now played on their tablets, phones, or computers.

Times have changed for our children and grandchildren, but fathers are still mainly concerned about the same things; providing for their family, keeping their children safe, and helping their children develop emotionally and spiritually. Many fathers spend most of their time away from their children working to provide all the things that they need. They wish they could be there more for the sports, dance recitals, camping trips, or simply just sitting and talking about the things that matter most to children. For young families, income is another thing that often is in short supply because their careers are just beginning and the wages are lower. I often wished we could figure out how to pay families a higher income during the time that children were home and there are more financial demands and less as the children leave home and there are less income needs.

In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” we are taught that families are the most important unit in time and eternity. We are taught the role that fathers and mothers share in raising their children.

“THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.”

One of the joys of being a grandfather is that I can help my children with the struggles they are going through with their children. While not all grandparents are retired, we generally have more free time and hopefully a little more flexible income. I used to look forward to retirement because I would be able to spend more time with my grandchildren doing many of the things that I did not do because I was too busy working. I retired a year ago, but two months later accepted a call to serve as a full-time missionary with my wife. For two years we are away from our family serving in Indiana, so I am still waiting for the time when  I can spend time throwing the football with my 14-year-old grandson and playing hide and seek with my other grandchildren when I come home. I can’t wait until I can spend as much time with them as they want once I am home from my mission. We love to go camping and watching them participate in youth sports.

This is what fathers and grandfathers do. They protect, provide, teach, and help our children grow up to become parents of their own children. We all wish we had more time to spend with our children. We want the best for them. We hurt when they make the wrong choices and suffer the consequences of their choices. We suffer with them when they come home crying because someone was mean to them at school, got picked last, don’t make the team, or missed the last shot to win the game. While we feel empathy for them in these situations, we know that these experiences will help build character and as they suffer they become stronger.

The Lord speaking to Moses said: “this is my work and glory – to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). If this is our Heavenly Father’s work, shouldn’t this be every father’s work. - to bring our children back into the presence of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.? We are all children of our Heavenly Father and he has sent them here to live with us so that we might teach them of their royal heritage; that their destiny is to qualify to live eternally with God and Christ. We need to prepare for them to receive the saving ordinances of baptism and the temple where we are become families that last throughout all eternity.

This should be the most important work we do. We can provide a comfortable home that is safe, we can teach them the importance of hard work, and to be good citizens; but if we fail to teach our children faith in Jesus Christ, repentance and baptism then we will fail in our primary responsibility as fathers.

Our work as fathers is never done. Even when our children are grown and leave home we still be involved in their lives encouraging them to continue to live righteously and teach their children to follow their examples. We are also there to help as much as we can and be there for our grandchildren. If Heavenly Father’s work is not done until all his children are brought back to his presence, then our work as fathers is not done until our children, grandchildren and all the generations to come have made it back to their eternal home with us.

Here is a fun video from the Skit Guys on Fatherhood.

Your comments and questions are welcome.

Do You Know Who I AM?

In 1995, near the close of Denver’s old Stapleton airport, during the Christmas rush several flights were cancelled or delayed due to bad weather. At one United counter a single agent was helping passengers rebook on other flights and the line was very long. One man that was not used to having to wait got out of the line and came up to the counter and slapped his ticket on the counter and said:

“I have to be on this flight, and it needs to be first class”. The rest of the conversation went like this:

“The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

“The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

“Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

Harry Argos Cross Country

If someone asked you who you are how would you respond? There are many ways we identify ourselves; today I would respond I’m the real Harry Potter, I’m a Hoosier (from Indiana), when I was in high school I was an Argos Dragon, in college I was a BYU Cougar and a BYU Folk Dancer, I’m a referee, and an Ironman.

BYU Folk Dance Reunion

The most important identity is I am a child of God. The Family: A Proclamation to the World says:

“ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”

One of Satan’s temptations is to convince us that we are not important or special. Moses learned this when Satan came to him. He had just been in the presence of God and was told several times that he was a Son of God. Then when Satan came to him, he said:

Satan came tempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me.

And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?

For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me, and I were transfigured before him. But I can look upon thee in the natural man. Is it not so, surely?

Blessed be the name of my God, for his Spirit hath not altogether withdrawn from me, or else where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God; for God said unto me: Worship God, for him only shalt thou serve. (Moses 1:12-15)

Satan even tried it with Jesus Christ when he tempted him after fasting for 40 days. Satan said: “If thou be the Son of God” and then told Christ to change the stones to bread and to cast himself off the pinnacle of the temple. Those temptations did not work because Jesus knew who he was, not only was he The Son of God, he was the creator of all things. Later Jesus, when his time did come, he would turn water into wine and provide bread to thousands when there was no bread around. He did not need to prove who he was to Satan because he understood his true identity – The Son of God.

We should not be fooled when Satan or others tempt us to forsake our identity and give into foolish sins. Like Moses, we are sons and daughters of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten. We have a divine heritage and destined for great things. If you ever wonder “do you know who I am?” just fall down on your knees and ask your Father with real intent and as He told Moses, he will tell you “I am the Lord God, thou art my son”.

We Are Sons and Daughters of God

A Mother’s Love

One of the themes throughout the Harry Potter books is the importance of the love that a mother has for her children. Dumbledore tells Harry that it is because of strength of the love his mother had for him, Voldemort was not able to kill him when he tried. He said:

 “Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn’t realize that love as powerful as your mothers for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign…to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

In addition to Lily we have several other mothers that J.K. Rowling includes in the series that provide great examples.

1.      Narcissa Malfoy

Narcissa risks her own life to protect her son, Draco, as the battle for Hogwarts concludes and Harry battles Voldemort. It is Narcissa that approaches Harry’s lifeless body to see if he is alive or dead. When she realizes that he is alive she asks if Malfoy is alive and Harry whispers that he is and is. She knows that the only way to save him is to get him to safety, so she tells everyone that Harry is dead and in the midst of their celebration she leaves to find him.

2.     Augusta Longbottom

Augusta Longbottom is Neville’s grandmother. After the death of his parents, Neville is raised by Augusta. Neville often talks about how his grandmother has always been an enemy to Voldemort and his followers and fights for what is good and right. She is one of the few that come to Hogwarts as the battle is raging. She is the last to come through the tunnel from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts and she seals the tunnel so no one else can get through it into the castle. When she asks where Neville is, they tell her that he is inside fighting and she leaves the others to join in the fight with her grandson.

3.     Molly Weasley

Besides Lily, I think the strongest example of the love of a mother is found in Molly Weasley. Molly is always there when her children need her. She adopts Harry as one of her own and is his protector. With only the love a mother has Molly, teaches, corrects, and disciplines Harry along with her own children. She is there when Fred is killed, she is in the middle of the fight for Hogwarts, and charges in when Jenny is in danger and is the one to kill Bellatrix.

The scriptures and modern revelation also testify of the importance of the mothers in our lives. In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” it states:

HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another… Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”

In Alma we read of the 2000 stripling warriors were protected because their mothers taught them to have faith in Jesus Christ and that he would preserve them. Heleman wrote to Captain Moroni that it was this faith that saved them saying they did not doubt they would be safe “because their mothers knew” (Alma 56:48)

The scriptures are full of examples of the power of righteous mothers. There is Eve, the first mother; Sarai, the mother of Isaac; Mary, the mother of Jesus; Sariah, the mother of Nephi; Lucy, the mother of Joseph Smith, and many others.

We must never forget how important our mothers are. Heavenly Father has given us our parents the responsibility of helping us return to his presence and it is our mothers that have the greatest influence in making sure that happens.

Your comments and question are welcome and would that if you agree with what I have written to please share this with your social friends and family.

I Love You Because

This past week we celebrated Valentine’s Day. I am not much of a traditionalist and don’t care for all the commercialization and pressure that we feel to buy stuff that has no real lasting value. I believe that the simple things we do each day to show our love is more important. In saying this, I also know that my wife likes flowers and cards so I did give her some chocolates and a valentine’s card (she bought her own flowers) and we went out to dinner together.

Last year for valentine’s I bought my wife a frame that has “I love you because” written on it. We then can write expressions of our love to each other. It has been fun to see the message change every few days. I will write something to my wife and then a few days later it will be erased and my wife will write something to me. At first it was easy coming up with some way to express my love, but after a while it started to become more difficult to say something different. Usually something will happen in our daily interactions that I can use to say why I love her; and sometimes it has something to do with saying I’m sorry! Every time my wife writes me a new message, it reaffirms that she really does love me and I know by her reactions the same is true when I write something to her.

My wife and I have been married for almost 43 years and while we have had our struggles, we have endured and our love for each other has grown more than we could have imagined when we made our covenants that bind us together not only in this life but through all eternity. Not only did we make covenants with each other, we made covenants with God. In those covenants we promised to be loyal and faithful to each other and that no one else takes precedence over our spouse, not even our children. This means that our friends, hobbies, other family members, and even our work are secondary to our spouse. This does not mean we should ignore our employers requests to fulfill our responsibilities to them or the importance of our children. If we fail at work, then we fail in our primary responsibility to provide for our spouse and children. But we should not ignore our family needs and focus all our efforts on work. If we are an employer or supervisor, we should remember that our employees have other responsibilities than the ones we give them. We need to remember that our employees will be much more effective if their family responsibilities are being cared for.

I was not a good example of the proper priorities of putting my wife first above all others and it took many years to learn how to put her first. I also know that most couples struggle with this as well, but as long as we try to improve and repent when needed and make the necessary changes we can eventually grow and be perfected through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Many individuals when they retire when asked what they would do different if they could change anything say they would spend more time with their family.

The sanctity of marriage and family are under attack from all directions. When was the last time you watched a show on TV or gone to a movie that portrayed the family, especially the husband in a positive manner. Most of the fathers on TV are lazy and portrayed negatively or insignificant.

In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” it states:

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

This inspired document shows every family how we can be successful and teach our children that families can succeed in today’s environment and not follow the example portrayed in the media. President Gordon B. Hinckley speaking to the youth of the church in a fireside on September 22, 1996 spoke of the myth some have about marriage. He said:

“Marriage requires a high degree of tolerance, and some of us need to cultivate that attribute. I have enjoyed these words of Jenkins Lloyd Jones, which I clipped from the newspaper some years ago. Said he:

“There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young [men and women] who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and [beautiful] wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear the divorce courts are jammed. …

“Anyone who imagines that bliss [in marriage] is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

“[The fact is] most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride” (“Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4). (A Conversation with Single Adults)

Successful marriages are hard, God intended it to be so, but as we endure all the smoke and dust around us and as we become more selfless and empathetic to the needs of our spouse we can all enjoy the beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. To be successful we not only are partners with our spouse but with our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Only with faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and keeping the covenants we made in the temple can we achieve our full potential that Heavenly Father knows we can become.

It is tragic that the ever increasing number of women reporting abuse through the #MeToo Movement, it is bringing to light the amount of abuse women have experienced not only from individuals in power but in their marriages. Spouse and child abuse is a gross sin. There is no excuse for it and should be stopped. There have been reports in some social media of LDS bishops that have counseled women to stay in abusive relationships. The stand of the LDS Church is that abuse is not to be tolerated. I have been a bishop of a married student ward and have been in counseling sessions with couples that are going through trials. Fortunately, I have never had a spouse that reported spouse abuse but if I had, it is clear what I was required by the church to do and that is to call the church offices and report it. While bishops try to help couples with their problems and help the members to repent and stay together, anyone in an abusive relationship should be removed from the situation and the abuse dealt with according to church policy and the local laws. There may have been bishops that mistakenly told the wife to stay in an abusive relationship, but that is not what bishops are taught.

Our marriage has endured through many delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts. We have also had our share of beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. On one occasion when my wife was experiencing the smoke and dust that was a result my selfishness, she was complaining to a friend. Her friend simply said: “why don’t you just divorce him?” Because of our temple covenants my wife said: “No!”, then her friend said: “then shut up and deal with it”. We have been dealing with “it” ever since and can say we are experiencing more beautiful vistas and less sidetracks, smoke, and dust. Our love continues to grow stronger every day and we continue to write those “I Love You Because” note to each other often.

Your comments and questions are welcome.

For Better or For Worse

Today, Sunday July 9^th, is my wife and my 42^nd anniversary and we celebrated it at a nursing home. Ten days ago, my wife fell and broke a vertebra in her back. I was at work when my grandson called and said grandma had fallen and couldn’t get up. By the time I got home the paramedics were there helping her into the ambulance. She spent 8 days in the hospital where she had surgery to fuse the vertebrae that was broken. She was released from the hospital two days ago and is recovering at in a nursing home. Today was the first day that she was not in agony with pain; if she was in pain she is learning to hid it better. She had lots of visitors and she was happy and talked with each of them.

In most marriage ceremonies, the minister or court official often tells the couple that they are ‘married in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do you part’. To say that this is one of those “worse of times” that we promise to endure through would be an understatement.

We joked about some of the more memorable anniversaries that we had and we realized this would go down as one of the top. We laughed about another anniversary. We left to go out for dinner when the engine of our car caught on fire. I was running back and forth from the car to a ditch that had some water in it with a cup trying to put out the fire. Yes, I realized after my futile attempts that that type of fire was not going to be put out with a few cups of water. This was before cell phones and so getting someone to go call for help took some time. Our car was towed away and we walked a couple of miles back home. I don’t remember what we had for dinner but it was not as exciting as we had planned.

Fortunately, there have been more “better times” “worse times”. One of the better times was when I was serving on the local city council where we lived and I swiped some city stationary and wrote a letter from some official in the city saying my wife had won an evening on the town and she would be picked up and driven to dinner. When she received the letter, I was “upset” that I was not invited and jealously said she could go. She did not want to do it but I insisted. I promised that we could celebrate our anniversary another night. The car came and the driver came up to get her and they took the long route to the restaurant to give me time to get there before her. When She was escorted into the restaurant and to our table I was there waiting for her. That was one anniversary that went down as a great one.

Marriage is all about how you meet the challenges that come into your lives. Getting through the good times is easy, but enduring through life’s difficulties will either break you and your marriage or bring you closer together. Thirteen years ago, I had pancreatitis and almost died. The doctor told my wife to call the kids because he did not know if I would survive. As you can tell, I did survive but it was a long six-month process of surgeries and recovery before I was able to go back to work. My wife took care of me and was there for me. Now it is my turn to be there for her.

After my wife fell and before the paramedics got there my grandson stayed by his grandmother’s side trying to comfort her. He told her “grandma I don’t know how I could live without you”. He is a sweet tender hearted soul but his thoughts are mine as well. I would be devastated if she was taken from me Though it would be difficult, I am grateful to know that because of our temple marriage our marriage is not just until death do us part but for time and all eternity. The Lord has promised:

“And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.” (Doctrine and Covenants132:19)

The only place that this eternal marriage can be made is in the ‘House of the Lord”; one of the temples of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints” Only there can we find one that is ordained of God and has the sealing power that binds a man and a women together for eternity. 42 years ago, my wife and I were sealed for time and all eternity in the Washington D.C. Temple. There we made sacred covenants to each other and with God. Covenants that are more than just promising to stick together in sickness and in health or for better or for worse but covenants that remind us that we are children of Heavenly Father, that marriage is sacred and ordained of God, covenants to be faithful to each other, covenants if kept will help us have happiness in this life and eternal life as families in the eternities. (The Family: A Proclamation To The World)

Successful marriages are difficult, it takes patience, forgiveness, love, more patience, and more forgiveness. There is no place for selfishness. Many marriages fall apart when couples experience difficult times especially when sickness strikes. Believing in the covenants we made to each other keeps us focused on getting through the tough times. I remember one time when my wife was frustrated with me (ya I was not the best in our early years) and she was venting her frustrations with a friend. Her friend said: “Well why don’t you just divorce him?” Shocked, my wife said: “No”. Then her friend said: “then shut up and deal with it”! She took her advice and after 42 years of dealing with me, I think I am learning what “an help meet” is and how to be truly one flesh. (Genesis 2: 18, 24). Listen to the Lord as he describes how to achieve a successful marriage:

“Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” (The Family: A Proclamation To The World)

In the movie “Fiddler on The Roof”, Tevia asks his wife Golda, “do you love me?”  He asked the question because theirs was a marriage made by a matchmaker, as was their custom.  But one of his daughters had rejected that custom as old fashioned and wanted to marry someone that she loved.  He had thought about that and so he asked his wife, “do you love me?”

Golda responded by telling him all the things that she had done for him for 25 years.  But Tevia persisted, “Golda, do you love me?”  She went on with another list of things that she does for him.  But Tevia again says, “no Golda, do YOU LOVE ME?”  Golda then replies, if that’s not love, then what is?  And Tevia responds: “Then you love me?” And Golda replies: “I suppose I do” Then Tevia says: “Then I suppose I love you too!” 

I’m sure Tevia loved his wife for all the things that she did for him, but that was not what he wanted to know.  He wanted to know if, despite all the problems and rough times they had, was their 25 years together worth it?  Would she do it again?  They loved each other enough to sacrifice temporary and fleeting things for those things that would bring true happiness and eternal blessings.

For me our 42 years together has been the “best of times and the worst of times” but I would not trade them for anything. Though I wish that I had learned sooner how to be the husband that I now am, and I wish I had not been so selfish and more patient; I would not trade the experience I have gained as we have gone through our better and worse together. I know that whatever comes in the years ahead, together we will endure it well.

Your comments and questions are welcome.